I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
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Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I identify as an antique shop.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.