I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
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What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
No, he would not have.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter