I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
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ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?