Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?

Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.

W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?

M: Don’t know. Just Google it.

Unexpected Judgment

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes