i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
You Might Also Like
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..