Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

ㅤ

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

I am a gravy boat captain

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

A short story of betrayal:

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.