Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watson was Holmes schooled

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

If you had more money you’d be happier.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?