I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
You Might Also Like
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I’m ready to try another planet.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?