Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

No, he would not have.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

Covert ops