I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk