Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”

“Orange”

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking