I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Twitter is an abusement park.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial