You Might Also Like
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
sigh
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.