Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

Unmatched