I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
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People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
