I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
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My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks