Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.