“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
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Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.