i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
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Des Moines Police having a normal one
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
me irl
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.