i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
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[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I’m not lazy
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.