IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!