Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.