IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously