IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Left at a local drug store…
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.