I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
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Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what