Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

Thoughts

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Just did a big green poo by a canal