Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first