Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment