Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

when someone rings the doorbell

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.