I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
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Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
True story 🤣
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems