Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

I got bills

They’re multiplying

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

When you can’t find your friend Neil

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse