I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
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Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story