I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
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Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down