I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
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“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling