Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

what the

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow