I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
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Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Only a mother’s love …
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them