Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies