I’m already scared
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That time Alicia messaged me
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
New mindset, who dis?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.