I’m already scared
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INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.
5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Is this you?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family