I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
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ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.