I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
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this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
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7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Quadruple digit IQ
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
yeah no that’s fair
