Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.