I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
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[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠