I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
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Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.