I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
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My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.