Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

uncle dave has been through hell

Hmmmmm

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.