Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

ㅤ

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.