Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Happy Caturday!

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]