Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

¯_(ツ)_/¯

happy valentine’s day to me

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans