Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

Anyone want a chair?

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

For the ones in the back.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.