I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Saw your ex at the shops
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews