Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

#TopTip

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.