I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
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Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying