Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Ladies, why y’all do this?

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators