Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.