I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
⚰
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
AM I BEING GASLIT????
so i’m at the stock market right
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT