I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂