Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

never deleting this app.

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket