I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
beware of dog
(jukin media)
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.