Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

A wise man once said nothing.

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

(Electricians.)