Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

🙅🏻

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…