I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
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If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
shazam but for random noises outside
necessity is the mother of invention
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My boss called in sick of me
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon