I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
You Might Also Like
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality