Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

i can’t work under these festive conditions

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.