Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

ㅤ

nature’s most graceful animal

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.