I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
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If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
wow
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo