I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
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Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.