Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex