I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
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When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
How we blocked people in the 90s đ
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you donât aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
đ¤Łđ
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
What do you mean your âwater brokeâ? Did the H2 fall off the O?
never deleting this app.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I like how âtwoâ is spelled a little strangely so youâre prepared early on for how insane âeightâ is going to be.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
asked my bf how work was today
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.