I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents