Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

Windows

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.