Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Never ghost your hitman.

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?