I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
You Might Also Like
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?