If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
You Might Also Like
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be
*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[hiding in the bushes]
Me:*whispering*they can’t see me
Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?