@Peauxtassium

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

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@joefrog1

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

@omgthatspunny

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

@WheelTod

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

@IDontSpeakWhine

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

@sad_tree

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

@WetMascara

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

@TheSweetestD_

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

@JKickinit30

[hiding in the bushes]

Me:*whispering*they can’t see me

Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.

@shanethevein

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