im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
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[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
My circle of trust is a meatball
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams