Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great