I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
You Might Also Like
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
his wife is probably gonna see that
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
