I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
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I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”