When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
You Might Also Like
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul