@andylassner

I’m always sad when I see a homeless person or someone with a Blackberry.

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@Scottcrates

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

@ThePocketJustin

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

@ThisOneSayz

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

@AnitaHelmet

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

@UncleDuke1969

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

@Fun_Beard

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

@AnOrangeSNES

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

@licensedtoverb

Maybe I’ll starting bringing a spray bottle and treat them like misbehaving cats.

“NO!” *Shoots person in face*