[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
For when Tinder doesn’t work
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO