Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Mom_Overboard

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

@Tmoney68

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

@PatsATweetin

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

@dril

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

@swiftenhaal

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

@Social_Mime

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

@mxmclain

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

@adriennekhals

Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.