My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I’m always sad when I see a homeless person or someone with a Blackberry.
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WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Hefner or Grant?
– Horton Hears a Hugh
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Maybe I’ll starting bringing a spray bottle and treat them like misbehaving cats.
“NO!” *Shoots person in face*