I’m always sad when I see a homeless person or someone with a Blackberry.

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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.


Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.


My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.


Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.


list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,


Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish



Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.


My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?


If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.


Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.