I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
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I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Just why bro?!
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Haha! 😂
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*