Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

“What do we want?”

“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”

“When do we want it?”

“Not!”

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!