Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza